Committed vs. Commit Me!

This Saturday was an inactively active one for me.  I spent the better part of the wee hours of the morning catching up on previous seasons of "Sons of Anarchy" via the internet and later attended a domestic violence awareness outreach program.  Here comes the inactively active part: instead of my usual outreach presentation-y hat that I often wear, I had the opportunity to sit in the audience and experience a program from the other side of the podium.  She was a survivor who took us through her tumultous relationship with an ex-husband that nearly left her for dead. It was freaky to sit in the audience and  be so knowledgable about a subject and not be allowed to elaborate.  So I pretty much found myself almost transforming into my sorority's Amen Corner.  I kept hearing all these "Umm, umm, umm"s and "That's right"s and I didn't realize it was me until I caught myself finishing the speaker's sentences in a mumbling whisper (LOL). I'm too involved with my work.  

After that my schedule was free and I spent the rest of the day at home watching my favorite squirrel (Rusty) run back and forth on the fence from the window in my living room.  I also spent a little time with my sister via telephone as she DEMANDED that I download a Kindle app and a book to read this minute (As if I don't have enough books that I feel guilty about buying and never reading).  I gotta admit though, I've been hitting the Kindle app pretty hard today.  I think its the newness of it all. Once again, my sister was right.

So I'm setting up this scenario for you to really get to the meat of my post.  I didn't really think of my day as revolving around a theme until I got a visit from a good friend.  We quickly glossed over the status of her relationship (knowing that it could go either way day by day) and it wasn't until after she left that I sat down and realized, "Damn, today was not good day to discuss marital relationships!"  Anyone who knows me knows that though I wholeheartedly believe in that "true-blue-knock-your-socks-off" kind of love, I don't feel that it can only be attained through holy matrimony.   In other words, marriage ain't necessarily on the top of my To-Do list for the future. I've always wanted a house and kids, just no Mr. "Make-Me-Change-My-Last-Name" to go with it. Why, you ask? Simple: I'm afraid of the downside.

What happens when the other shoe drops?  He no longer finds my quirks (trust, I have PLENTY of those) cute, or I wake up and realize that I have wasted my life, time, and patience on a fool who can't even remember to put the toilet seat down or is too embarassed to buy tampons for me while he's at the store?  What if we deny each other room for growth and become resentful of the fact that neither of us is who we were at the beginning of the marriage?  What if I become dependent on having him around (another scary thought for me because I find myself mostly uncomfortable in a relationship when comfortable routines are formed.)?  Yes, this also happens to unmarried couples, but not being married has always given me a sense of control in my past relationships.  I could always say: "Thank God I'm not married to that fool!" 

TOO MUCH BAGGAGE, honey.  Yes, I'm probably certifiable, but at the end of the day, the final score is Holy Matrimony= Zip and Me= 2. I just have to work out where to get the kids from!

Be Blessed,

S. Truth